The Solitude Chronicles, Day 3: Odd Numbered Kisses

I am lucky to have had two beautiful children to call my own. The oldest, my daughter, is an amazing 19 year old that has a great head on her shoulders. The youngest is my 11 year old son who is intelligent and warm-hearted. I cannot love one over the other. That would be impossible. They are both unique individuals with a wonderful love for me and each other that I honestly would not trade for anything. Then come the odd numbered kisses from even numbered kids.

Well, my son has this funny way of requiring the first and last kiss from me. It can happen at bed time or when dropping something off at their dad’s, but it happens every time I see him. If I’m around and issuing kisses, whether hello or goodbye, he tries to get the first kiss and refuses to allow his sister to have the last kiss. What’s amusing is that I’ve tested it out in the past just to make sure my imagination wasn’t playing tricks on me.

This child could be on the other side of the house, if he hears anything that sounds like a lip smack, he flies through the house to press the last pucker to my cheek. Just recently my daughter and I were commenting on it as we waited for him to come to the door. I asked her to play along and kept giving her a kiss after each of his. As I sped up, he seemed to be pecking at my cheek like a chicken to her feed. He’d immediately lean in and thrust his face toward mine, lips pursed and ready to go! Luckily, my daughter has always been amused by it and just taken it in stride.

I was reflecting on his behavior recently and why he needs this last kiss. It’s so important to him that he won’t let me leave unless he gets it. I concluded that he does it because he wants to be the first thing and the last thing to touch me, first and last in my life. It is a privilege to be so loved. I should be more grateful for this tender act of love. Even though I only have them half of the time, my eyes should rest on the half I’m with them and not the half I’m alone. This is where it’s hardest for me to find balance.

I often think about God in this context, how He wants to be first and last in my life, not social media, not whoever I’m texting, but Him. First and last in my thoughts of the day. I've realized recently that He didn't occupy this space in my life and had to make some adjustments. You know what? Since then I haven’t felt quite so alone.

Also, I've adjusted my life since my separation eight years ago and learned to fill my time with positive, constructive tasks. I can still feel myself missing them on those days they’re not around but it’s not quite as terrible as the times before then when I was lonely even surrounded by people. My house did not seem my home for many reasons I cannot disclose. That type of loneliness is much worse than any time I spend alone now. I suppose it must be akin to the solitude felt in a prison. While surrounded by other people, you long for another type of company, one that does not reject you and show disdain for you only because those people are unhappy with themselves. That’s way more painful.

I love my time with my kids. I have always loved them dearly and found so much joy in them as they offered a smile, a hug, or an odd numbered kiss that has meant the world to me in the most difficult times. I mean, seriously, to fight for that last bit of affection from me always puts things into perspective and sends me off with a smile and full heart.

Today, I choose to remember those moments during the times I forget my fortune. To embrace odd and even numbered kisses and bring them to light any darkness that may try to creep in to my space. I’m not alone. I am loved deeply and cared for passionately by those who matter most. Let’s take some time to reflect on those who truly love and care for us today. Let’s discard what makes us feel lonely and fill our thoughts and time with positive activities, prayerful meditation, and memories that are worth keeping. Dwelling on those things that bring us down or the people who do not value us is just not worth our time. Forget them! If they can’t appreciate us, then it’s their loss.

Let’s be positive, courageous, self-confident, and ready to give back the very thing that we long for: Honest friendship, fellowship, and maybe someday, a significant other. When we reflect the positive and find peace in God and ourselves, then we get that right back a hundred times over. We attract other positive people into our spaces and end up breaking the pattern of solitude in our lives. I know I speak to myself. Hugs and odd numbered kisses.