Frisky Chicken

Cock pecks graveled ground.

Courted blindly, stealthy chick,

seeks zygote posthaste.

Peeling Bananas, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 24

It seems that the sum of what I've learned during this course of soul searching can be condensed into a simple lesson: How to peel a banana the right way. As it turns out, I've been peeling my bananas from the wrong end my entire life! Therefore, I share my discovery.

You see, last night I offered my friend Adriana a banana when she amusingly began to peel the thing from the wrong end. Several of my church family were gathered together for a meeting and there was hunger about the place. So I gave out a couple of extra bananas to the people who needed to munch on something. As a few of us stood around chatting, Adriana simply stated, "I'm peeling my banana from the bottom cause that's how monkeys do it." Then she flashed an impish smile and wiggled her eyebrows to highlight the comment. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't.

So being who I am and needing to check that fact, I looked up a couple of videos and did some research. It turns out she was exactly right. Monkeys will peel a banana from the bottom and not the stem since it is easier than opening it from the top. To add to that, I noted that a few monkeys then use the stem as a handle holding the thing between their toes. Who would have thought that for over thirty years (Yup! I'm not telling!) I've been doing something so simple the hard way? But what exactly does this have to do with my spiritual soul searching?

For seven out of the last eight years of my life I've experienced extended moments of great solitude. That's no secret. I shared it before. It's not that I haven't shared wonderful moments with my family. I have and I hold them dearly. I love my children and am so proud of them that it is almost surreal. I am still not sure what I did to deserve such wonderful kids. This, unfortunately, was a solitude that originated from within.

However, what I realized last night and have been learning over time is that God has surrounded me with wonderful, funny, kindhearted, and interesting people who I love, reciprocally. They have been there to listen to my nonsense, laugh at my silly jokes, give a word of encouragement, invite me into their spaces, and have called me a sister and friend. And they aren't all new friends either.

This past year I have reconnected with beloved friends of my teens and twenties that I haven't seen in twenty-plus years. We've shared tapas, had dinner or breakfast, sat and chatted casually, and looked into each other's eyes knowing that not a day had passed since I'd seen them last. It has been the richest, most beautiful experience to be able to know that what we'd built in our lifetimes has withstood the test of time. That we could pick up where we'd left off and say honestly, "It is so wonderful to see you doing well. When are we doing this again?" It is great to know that I can call any of a dozen of people at this moment and find someone with whom to share a cup of coffee or a fresh, hot pizza.

Simply put, I am not and will never be alone. I am loved and know how to return love without expectations or demands. I have peace where I am standing today and know that the choices I am making for myself and my family are leading to even better places filled with loved ones who cherish me in every facet of my being. From the Novys to the Suzis, from the Carmens, Maris, and Elenas to the Davids, from the Eunices, Monicas, Jescels, Susanas, Gildas, and beyond to the banana eating Adrianas, I will never be alone. I will be richer each day as we hold the experiences we share in our hearts and allow them to make our souls even the deepest, most fertile ground for friendship. Am I concerned about that life partner I'd like to have? Not really. It may or may not happen. My ability to be happy and content with my life does not depend on others. It does, however, depend on my posture and attitude. I have chosen life and have decided to live it abundantly no matter where I stand.

Most of all, I know and believe that the God I serve is good. That he provides for our needs and gives us peace where ever we are, alone or accompanied. As a matter of fact, I can tell you that there is no greater solitude than to experience loneliness in a room full of people. That, my friends, is far worse than anything else life can throw at you. I speak from a place of experience.

So today I celebrate the lives that have touched me this past year in so many ways. From the ones I thought lost to ones that are building new bridges with me, they are all peeling their bananas in their own ways. I love watching them, taking what they have to offer, and sharing what I can give as well. I love you all, more deeply than you can imagine, and promise one thing as I sit alone in my living room feeling happier and more fulfilled than I have in a decade at the richness of it all: That no matter how far you are or where your path may lead, you will always be in my prayers. And, If you need me, there will always be a cup of coffee or a banana for you in my home and a place for you in my heart. God bless you and keep you always.

Hugs, T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Click me: Adriana was Right!

Isaac Newton in the Spiritual Realm, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 19

It seems that, much like in the physical realm, the spiritual realm has its own set of laws that mirror the natural. For example, Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion states that 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." For example, if you push a door, this law indicates that the door is pushing back at you with equal force. You can open the door because it is on hinges and that causes the door to move in your favor, the direction towards which you are pushing or pulling. The same seems to be true in the spiritual.

The beginning of my spiritual journey ran fairly smoothly. I felt happy and stronger and knew that I was drawing closer to God. While these things are still true, I have felt a certain opposition as I move toward my twenty-one day goal. It is almost as if there are contrary spiritual forces pushing in the opposite direction so that I don't achieve my goal. An example of this from scripture comes from the book of Daniel when visited by God's messenger:

     "Then he continued, 'Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you began to pray for

     understanding and to humble yourself before God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have 

     come in answer to your prayer. But the Prince of the Persian Kingdom resisted me twenty-one 

     days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with 

     the king of Persia.'" Daniel 10:12-13, New International Version

Daniel persisted in prayer, and even though he was weakened by the presence of God through his messenger, he received strength enough to receive and understand God's plan for his people. Through his faithful search, his heart, spirit, and body were prepared to receive that message he'd sought.

You see, God is faithful to provide answers to our questions, to draw near when we seek him, to grant us strength when we are weak, and to give us the resolve to persevere when opposition strikes. All we need to do is persist in prayer and recognize that the forces that exist to oppose us are never greater than the God we serve. We need to recognize that God is willing to send us an answer to our prayers the moment we ask. We must not allow ourselves to grow tired and give up just as we are about to receive the answer, no matter what we face. And if we do feel exhausted, all we need to do is ask for strength and we will receive it in order to push forward and view all that God has to offer us when we are brave and faithful in our search for Him.

Over the past few days, I have met with some opposition. With only one week left, I have sought the spiritual backing of my church family in order to be able to accomplish that which God has placed in my heart. I am not certain if it will get much better over the next few days since it seems that I have some unresolved matters as a consequence of this opposition. This time I am ready. I did not recognize it the last time and gave up fourteen days in. On the 15th day of my soul searching, I am praying that I can remain strong and see God's answer for my life and my family. I won't give up and I know that God is faithful to see me through.

If you are searching today, don't give up. Keep looking and praying. Persist in achieving your personal and spiritual goals so that you can live in the fullness of the life that you deserve. As the ladies of my church would say these days, stand firm and defend your spark! Trust me, if we can manage to get to that point where we've overcome that opposition, then we will reap great rewards and a deeper relationship with God. Keep your eyes on Christ and I'll meet you in my prayers tonight.

Hugs, T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Verse to reflect on:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Vegan Pizza, Picky Pizza, & Cold Breakfast Pizza, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 17

I've recently encountered artisan pizza shops that offer the most delicious pizza I've ever had Miami. They both use a crisp crust and are generous with the savory toppings. However, I am convinced that what made these pizzas truly enjoyable is the company I shared while enjoying the yummy, edible art.

Last Saturday, I had the chance to share a vegan pizza (pizza minus the cheese) with a good friend. The crust was thick and the sauce was well spiced with just the right amount of garlic and oregano. We talked, giggled, and compared notes on life, love, and the challenges of education. We followed it with a stroll since we all but licked the tray clean! It was the kind of time well spent that we just don't get enough of in this overly busy world. The kind where you just get lost in a conversation and make connections that make you feel tied into the tapestry of the world.

On Thursday, I had a second chance to share another pizza with a very different friend. Yes, we laughed, talked, and giggled a bit as well. To this we added a shake of silliness and a bit more pepper and oregano. I ordered my pizza without cheese, he ordered his just like mine but with some creamy goodness. Yet, the pizzas weren't quite right when we got them, missing a topping or two. The waiter quickly ushered the defective pizzas away and insisted they be made the way we'd ordered. A few minutes later, we were enjoying this thin, crisp crust perfection topped with mountains of veggies, done just right. It was heavenly.

However, what truly made these two pizzas truly perfect was the company. There is just something about sharing a meal with another person that is makes it special. It is as if occupying all of your senses during this interaction makes the experience deeper, personal, and somewhat revealing, more profound. You somehow tie the pleasure of that savory meal with the pleasure of the company and it becomes a part of who you are in that moment. Maybe that is why certain cultures hold and invitation to a meal as an honor, only allowing certain guests to penetrate their circles. But the meal is not over when you push aside your plate.

You get to revisit that pleasure the morning after with the cold pizza for breakfast. Out of the fridge comes the box, memories of the previous evening make you smile. You open it up and think that you cannot wait to reheat it to experience that connection once again. It seems even more delicious as the flavors mingle in your mouth at 36 degrees Fahrenheit. Yet it is the warmest thing you've had for years. Why? What are you really consuming?

You are consuming that joke he told that made you laugh uncontrollably. You are consuming that raw moment when a she allowed you into a private thought or experience. You are consuming the brush of a hand, the hug and kiss on the cheek, and the feeling that you and your company are both worthwhile experiences. It is a spicy, crispy treat, one reserved for special people in my life. As a matter of fact, these days I share it more often since I know that it is an investment in myself.

Therefore, today I pray you have many delicious meals with wonderful people to fill your life as it progresses. I pray your meals are spicy, savory dishes filled with laughter, the 'joie de vivre,' and many heartfelt moments. I pray that you have the health and well-being to enjoy the memories you build with others for many breakfasts to come. I pray you have the strength to overcome your solitude and seek out new bonds with wonderful people who are just waiting to share a pizza with you.

Love and Hugs, T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Voluptuous Vicissitude: Shake it Off!, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 9

I'm highly comfortable in my skin. I love my curves and wear them proudly without apology. Yet there are times I wish others wouldn't look at me like, "I can't wait to see how she keeps up," when I walk into my Zumba class. Invariably, it happens more frequently than I care to mention.

Just this morning, I had the chance to join the 9 a.m. class. I ran a bit late since I fought a battle with my bed sheets and almost lost. However, I made it and joined about ten minutes into the action. There was a woman in front of me who kept turning around, looking and smiling at me with contempt for the first few minutes. I was easily one of the shapeliest girls in the room. Pretty soon the routines started getting harder and faster. I may have lots of it, but I know how to use it, if I do say so myself, and the underlying mass still has some gumption. Soon enough, her smile turned into a painfully sweaty, furrowed brow as she struggled through a salsa routine that I OWNED! Yes, I'm boasting a bit. But there are times when others look down at you and you have to shake it off and remember how awesome you truly are.

Feeling compassion, I slowed a bit and showed her the steps. Yeah, I couldn't gloat too long because I could see she was now feeling bad that she couldn't keep up. Been there.

Just a few years ago, I was even heavier than I am now. A friend from work invited me to her dance class. I was no less than 233 pound, a lot more than today, and could only do the first thirty minutes to begin even though it was a mild, low impact type of activity. What was worse was that, when it was time to partner up, I'd be left alone. And it wasn't because there weren't enough men. There were plenty. Nope. The two or three that were often left over looked around for a partner and right past me as if I were invisible. The instructor would take me gently by the hand and lead me to one of my unwilling partners or dance with me himself. There were times I wanted to cry. I mean, seriously, it was for a minute of a song until we switched to the next partner in the rotation. I was going to learn to shake it off or have to give up on something I loved and knew would do me good.

Imagine what would have happened if I had given up? In the first four months of salsa class I dropped 40 pounds and five dress sizes! I persevered and started walking up to the people I wanted to dance with because they were stronger leads. Ha! Eventually, with a bit of perseverance, I dropped 75 pounds naturally. No surgery. No crazy diets or pills. Just a good, old-fashioned change of routine and better eating habits. My life had been transformed, I was feeling great, my kids were looking at me with pride for what I'd accomplished, and I stopped getting picked last. Yes, it didn't happen overnight. It took several years since I hit some pretty long plateaus from time to time. However, I eventually became good enough to have a series of regular dance partners who became life long friends and an extended salsa family that I love till this day.

Last year was a tough one after my dad became really sick. I put on 40 pounds of which I've managed to drop 12 in total over the last two months. I want to get back to where I was, not for the sake of aesthetics, but health. I don't want end up living in a nursing home like my father. In addition, I want to be able to enjoy my kids for a long time without being a burden to them. So I continue to go to Zumba class and am thinking of heading back to my favorite salsa place soon for some boogie time.

I know that, until I get there, I may have to endure the stuck up looks and smirks of the people who can't see how far I've already come. Hey, I'm still in the green from that spot where I was five years ago, 47 down from where I started. I'll just continue to remind myself until then that I am not alone in this fight for a better me. I will persevere through God's grace and a who'lotta moxie (Yup. Made up another word.). I pray that, whatever your battles and target destinations (I hate the word goal. It sounds like someone is going to kick me into a net.), that you find the resolve to stand in the midst of an unkind world and make it there. After all, their attitude is their problem, not yours. I will say a prayer for you daily so that we can shake it off. Now, I'm off to my second class for the day.

Hugs, T., a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Twisted Lizard Rescue, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 8

Tonight I am going to let a creature I rescued this morning do the talking. When I found it, it had one small appendage stuck in the door to my old classroom. I thought it was dead, but then I blew on it. It twisted attempting to free itself.

I unlocked the door expecting the little guy to sprint for it. It stayed put, tiny legs stuck to the icy metal. I quickly analyzed the best leg to free and lifted it gingerly with one finger. The flesh seemed frozen solid. All at once, the critter untwisted and sprinted down the door and into a crack in the cement floor, disappearing wholly.

How often do you get stuck? Then someone comes by and opens the door so you can get up and go yet you stay in the same spot. You don't even flinch. Then a touch wakes you and breaks the fear of paralysis that's holding you back. You take off running without a thought. Do you better your position then or end up in a deeper rut because you act without thinking. Maybe the rut is your go to because those tight spaces seem familiar, almost like a refuge. Yet, wouldn't it be better to enjoy your new found freedom, to run way out in the open and breathe the fresh air?

Don't jump back into a deeper rut. Don't isolate yourself out of fear. There's nothing there for you and crawling under a boulder will only get you stuck again. Come have a cup of tea or coffee with me instead. Together we can plan a trip to Paris (okay, maybe Hialeah) and share some great conversation.
Hugs, T., a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

My Cat Eats Ants, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 7

Last night before I went to bed, I saw my cat following something tiny on the tile floor. A minuscule ant had her completely hypnotized as she followed its curved and somewhat erratic path. She toyed with it a bit, swatting it out of its purpose and carefully followed, nose to the ground as if by magnetic force. It was cute up until the point she decided to eat the creature.

I started to think that, in life, sometimes we're the cat and other times, the ant. Those aren't the only choices, but likely the most frequent. We can be in a position of control and power, choosing to toy with and eat our entertainment. However, more often than not, the entertainment is a temporary fix that doesn't even fill us when we're done chewing. On the other hand, we can end up being like that tiny ant, feeling small but full of purpose. We wander through life until smacks us around and swallows us whole. I call this relationship reality.

"Oh! You're so negative!" Yeah... Uh... No, I'm not. I've been there in both positions and so have you. As a cat, I've had that choice, to play with a tiny ant I could just as easily have squashed until its exoskeleton cracked causing it innards to become its outtards (Yup. Made up a word. Language is evolving. Enjoy!). However, I know I've preferred to allow the ant to live even as tempted as I might have been to feel that crunch under my paw.

Similarly, I've been in the position of the ant all too often. Wandering through life looking for a dry place to build my home and some taco shell crumbs to fill my belly. I thought I was fine to be me and just live oblivious to the prowling, hair ball filled menace above. However, I caught a few cats' eyes along the way. Too often the cats played with me and let me go when their fun was over. A couple times, I was swallowed whole without mercy. I mean, really, how often do you find a cat that goes against its nature? Rarely. My cats have been lions at times and just because I've let them live in peace does not mean I'll receive diplomatic immunity.

Either way, whether a cat or an ant, we do have a choice in our decisions and what path we take. As an ant, we can choose a safer route than the middle of the living room floor. As a cat, we can choose to show mercy and pray that, when a larger animal runs into us, that we are paid back for our kindness.

So exactly what does this have to do with solitude? Well, in watching them I thought, "How bored and lonely must this cat be to have nothing better to do than destroy another creature?" Some people do terrible things in the midst of their loneliness. They are miserable and want everyone to be miserable along with them. If they see an opportunity to eat someone else alive, they take it in order to feel empowered and have some sense of accomplishment in their lives. Don't be that person. I guarantee that others will see what you've done and you will end up even more alone. Take the high road. Let it go. Put on your big girl or big boy pants and weather the storm until the sun shines again.

On the other hand, I can't imagine how lost and lonely that poor ant must have felt during its last few moments on my hard, cold, ceramic tile. I suppose its itty-bitty ant life must have flashed before its teensy ant eyes. From the time it was just a little larva to the last piece of advice offered by grandpa ant, "Don't use the highway. It's not safe. Take the side roads so you won't get stepped on by a giant or worse." Did we make the choices that put is in that situation? Scripture tells us that there is wisdom in a multitude of counsel. That is absolutely true! Look at every bad decision that you've made. Weren't there at least several people, friends who cared, family, warning you not to go that route? But you did, and since hindsight is 20/20. You think back to that at your loneliest moments and remember that you really did do it to yourself. And it's not that you need to be boring and stop bungee jumping (is that still a thing?) every weekend. That isn't the point. However, we do need to be sensitive to our 'gut' in certain situations. It is ultimately up to you when you choose to listen.

This is not every case in the world, but it is many. We need to learn to gauge our choices. To listen to that inner voice and not allow ourselves to make hasty decisions that lead to greater loneliness and turmoil in our lives. I am speaking to myself since I know I've made some choices that have put me where I am today. The good news is that, if I continue on my path of positive choices, it will likely yield positive results. Yes, the unexpected happens and ugly, bitter cats still roam the planet. However, if we're wise and a little lucky or simply find God's favor, we can avoid the cat altogether or an eagle will swoop down from the heavens and get that pest off of our backs sooner rather than later. Food for thought. Hugs, T, a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses