As a child, my greatest fear was living out life
alone. I am certainly not in isolation in my life. I have two beautiful
children, friends and an amazing church family that value and respect me,
parents who would give their lives for me, and colleagues that are stimulating
and add depth to my life. As things go, I’m a pretty lucky girl who has been
afforded the grand opportunity to spend quality time with spectacular people. So
then, why do I feel isolated and want so much more?
The first simple answer to that question is Time. Time
is our greatest enemy. We spend about a third asleep, an additional third
working and/or going to school, time driving, running errands, cleaning our homes,
etc., etc., etc. I’m not certain about other people, but I spend most of this
time wishing my time away in lieu of the time I hope to spend with others. “If
the school day would only be over.” “When will there be an end to this endless
wash cycle?” Then, of the remaining time, I spend about half doing homework
with and enjoying my kids, and an additional portion with my parents who are
struggling with all matters of aging. There is no doubt that I enjoy spending
time with all of these people. However, the time available to see others is so
incredibly limited that it feels like no time at all.
If I were to take the number of hours I spend on
all of the above and subtract those hours from a total number of hours
available every week, I would still have some time to spend in the company of
others. However, I usually can’t or don’t. The number of variables is far too
great and the opportunities for close encounters of the best kind are rare.
Therefore, I spend most of my down time sucked
into a social media circus that only offers a glimpse of what people allow us
to experience along with an endless hodgepodge of random quizzes, music posts,
and selfies taken at questionable angles. I stare at my ceiling as I lay in bed
contemplating the popcorn ceiling or mope around the house in my underwear or
pajamas wishing my place had a self-cleaning setting. If only prince charming
would ride into my tiny apartment on his white horse and strap me to the bumper
while we ride off into the sunset singing “Two Less Lonely People in the World.”
But that just isn’t the case.
You see, other people have lives and things to
tend to as well along with uncooperative schedules. I may have a dear friend
who is dying to see me, but her weekend visitation with her kids is opposite
mine which leaves no time for each other or time together with our kids. There
are the creative friends that have the most in common with me and, like me, are
always biting off more than they can chew, are social butterflies
extraordinaire with way too many friends to ever focus on one, have the habits
of a modern day hermit or a combination of these. There just aren’t enough
hours in the day to spend them with all the people you love and visa-versa. And
my college days of lounging with my friend Benny while taking pictures,
listening to indie music, and laughing at the absurdities of life are,
unfortunately, long gone.
Another problem stems from self-sabotage. Unfortunately,
I am way too introspective and spend so much time deep in thought that, at times,
I end up feeling lonelier than I should. This leads to longing, feeds fear, and
pushes me to make poor choices that augment this cycle of perceived solitude.
No worries! I’m not going to down a gallon of rocky road. I’m allergic to nuts.
As an example, there have been a few instances
when I’ve turned down an invitation to a social event I would otherwise enjoy.
I end up basking in the glory of my oneness and sometimes feel paralyzed in a
sense. I decline the outing, then spend my time that day or evening feeling
sorry for myself because I’m so utterly alone. Uh, yeah. Duh! I’ve turned away
opportunities and created my own solitude.
I am aware that I’ve done this in the past. I’ve
done it because spending time in the company of others once seemed to magnify
my alone time. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve had to consciously break across
the years. Yet even today, I fall into this self-defeating behavior from time
to time and have to kick myself out of the funk and back into the “you’d better
get over yourself” mindset of survival.
Guess what though? People can smell fear and
insecurity and they shun the stench. So persisting in these behaviors and
negative attitudes alienate more people because there always seems to be
something wrong with you. Either your façade reflects the way you feel or your
behavior and body language gives it away. I mean, do you know anyone who likes
spending time with a Debbie Downer? I don’t! When I get like this I don’t even
want to spend time with myself! It’s a major catch and one that needs to be
broken deliberately and methodically through a series of new habits and
postures that foster healthy relationships and positive interactions with
others.
So here I stand today. I was able to shake the
funk for quite some time, to build new bonds with outstanding people. Among
these, and yes I’m naming names, are the beautiful people in the sign language
ministry at Metro Life Church, their supportive families, and my friend Susan
for always having my back. They have brought me into their world and loved me
unconditionally during times in my life when so much else seemed to be going
wrong that I could only blame a merciful God for their existence in my life. Positive
role models of faith and courage, they have become examples of living well in
light of challenges and seemingly hopeless situations. I thank God for them and
hope I can return the contribution to their lives somehow.
In addition, there is a particular person of
quirky habits and off the wall thought who I’ve grown to love and appreciate
deeply. Living in a world of grays hasn’t been easy for him. But he hasn’t
hesitated to share both his pain and insight with me without a second thought
as to what I could possibly do with that information. I see a profound beauty
in this misfit child, certainly a man, but the reference itself is worthy of a
person who sees the world through the eyes of innocence and reality
simultaneously. The embodiment of passion and creativity, he has taken the time
to see something in me that very few care to invest their time viewing. And
this not for lack of value. Knowing me is worth that and so much more because I
can be and am a fiercely faithful, trustworthy, and compassionate friend who
can be impossibly positive in the midst of the negative (Most of the time… We
all have our moments of weakness). I am always willing to spend time savoring
the sweet, giggling in silly, youthful contempt of time and tragedy, and
capable of pure, unadulterated love even in this darkened world. My gray
friend, I dare say in such a short time, is at this time my best friend and
knows enough of me now to leave me exposed to the world or shape me into a
beautiful sculpture while I sip his mysterious teas. I am certain he will
always opt for the latter which is why I will never give up on him and cherish
him so.
Why do I feel alone so often then? Am I being too
demanding or is there something more missing from my life? What do I long for
still?
I do long for that life partner I have dreamed of
since I was a child. Is he “The One?” That is a highly romantic idea, but not a
realistic one. There are millions of humans on the face of this rock spinning
in singular solitude in the vast expanse of countless galaxies we have only
just started to view. No. I am missing a companion, imperfect like me, similar
in some ways but different in many, who can complement my solitude with his so
we may laugh, live, and love together as we travel across the timeline God has
mapped out for us, long or short, but as one. I hope I don’t ask too much. I
think I am being realistic in hoping and praying for this man. Yet, he is not a
cure for loneliness.
I know I must get back to that place where I lived
once. It was a place where I have lived happiest, with myself. I know that when
I recover the ability to be happy alone is when I will never ever be alone
again. I need to be content with myself, in my oneness, with God in my life in
the fullness of His purpose for me, and with the blessings He has given me in
order to be truly satisfied. I hope you will pray with me during this time so
that I am able to recover the tranquility and satisfaction in my life that I
know God wants me to have, alone or otherwise accompanied. I pray you find it
along the way, too.
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