Peeling Bananas, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 24

It seems that the sum of what I've learned during this course of soul searching can be condensed into a simple lesson: How to peel a banana the right way. As it turns out, I've been peeling my bananas from the wrong end my entire life! Therefore, I share my discovery.

You see, last night I offered my friend Adriana a banana when she amusingly began to peel the thing from the wrong end. Several of my church family were gathered together for a meeting and there was hunger about the place. So I gave out a couple of extra bananas to the people who needed to munch on something. As a few of us stood around chatting, Adriana simply stated, "I'm peeling my banana from the bottom cause that's how monkeys do it." Then she flashed an impish smile and wiggled her eyebrows to highlight the comment. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't.

So being who I am and needing to check that fact, I looked up a couple of videos and did some research. It turns out she was exactly right. Monkeys will peel a banana from the bottom and not the stem since it is easier than opening it from the top. To add to that, I noted that a few monkeys then use the stem as a handle holding the thing between their toes. Who would have thought that for over thirty years (Yup! I'm not telling!) I've been doing something so simple the hard way? But what exactly does this have to do with my spiritual soul searching?

For seven out of the last eight years of my life I've experienced extended moments of great solitude. That's no secret. I shared it before. It's not that I haven't shared wonderful moments with my family. I have and I hold them dearly. I love my children and am so proud of them that it is almost surreal. I am still not sure what I did to deserve such wonderful kids. This, unfortunately, was a solitude that originated from within.

However, what I realized last night and have been learning over time is that God has surrounded me with wonderful, funny, kindhearted, and interesting people who I love, reciprocally. They have been there to listen to my nonsense, laugh at my silly jokes, give a word of encouragement, invite me into their spaces, and have called me a sister and friend. And they aren't all new friends either.

This past year I have reconnected with beloved friends of my teens and twenties that I haven't seen in twenty-plus years. We've shared tapas, had dinner or breakfast, sat and chatted casually, and looked into each other's eyes knowing that not a day had passed since I'd seen them last. It has been the richest, most beautiful experience to be able to know that what we'd built in our lifetimes has withstood the test of time. That we could pick up where we'd left off and say honestly, "It is so wonderful to see you doing well. When are we doing this again?" It is great to know that I can call any of a dozen of people at this moment and find someone with whom to share a cup of coffee or a fresh, hot pizza.

Simply put, I am not and will never be alone. I am loved and know how to return love without expectations or demands. I have peace where I am standing today and know that the choices I am making for myself and my family are leading to even better places filled with loved ones who cherish me in every facet of my being. From the Novys to the Suzis, from the Carmens, Maris, and Elenas to the Davids, from the Eunices, Monicas, Jescels, Susanas, Gildas, and beyond to the banana eating Adrianas, I will never be alone. I will be richer each day as we hold the experiences we share in our hearts and allow them to make our souls even the deepest, most fertile ground for friendship. Am I concerned about that life partner I'd like to have? Not really. It may or may not happen. My ability to be happy and content with my life does not depend on others. It does, however, depend on my posture and attitude. I have chosen life and have decided to live it abundantly no matter where I stand.

Most of all, I know and believe that the God I serve is good. That he provides for our needs and gives us peace where ever we are, alone or accompanied. As a matter of fact, I can tell you that there is no greater solitude than to experience loneliness in a room full of people. That, my friends, is far worse than anything else life can throw at you. I speak from a place of experience.

So today I celebrate the lives that have touched me this past year in so many ways. From the ones I thought lost to ones that are building new bridges with me, they are all peeling their bananas in their own ways. I love watching them, taking what they have to offer, and sharing what I can give as well. I love you all, more deeply than you can imagine, and promise one thing as I sit alone in my living room feeling happier and more fulfilled than I have in a decade at the richness of it all: That no matter how far you are or where your path may lead, you will always be in my prayers. And, If you need me, there will always be a cup of coffee or a banana for you in my home and a place for you in my heart. God bless you and keep you always.

Hugs, T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Click me: Adriana was Right!

Isaac Newton in the Spiritual Realm, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 19

It seems that, much like in the physical realm, the spiritual realm has its own set of laws that mirror the natural. For example, Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion states that 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." For example, if you push a door, this law indicates that the door is pushing back at you with equal force. You can open the door because it is on hinges and that causes the door to move in your favor, the direction towards which you are pushing or pulling. The same seems to be true in the spiritual.

The beginning of my spiritual journey ran fairly smoothly. I felt happy and stronger and knew that I was drawing closer to God. While these things are still true, I have felt a certain opposition as I move toward my twenty-one day goal. It is almost as if there are contrary spiritual forces pushing in the opposite direction so that I don't achieve my goal. An example of this from scripture comes from the book of Daniel when visited by God's messenger:

     "Then he continued, 'Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you began to pray for

     understanding and to humble yourself before God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have 

     come in answer to your prayer. But the Prince of the Persian Kingdom resisted me twenty-one 

     days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with 

     the king of Persia.'" Daniel 10:12-13, New International Version

Daniel persisted in prayer, and even though he was weakened by the presence of God through his messenger, he received strength enough to receive and understand God's plan for his people. Through his faithful search, his heart, spirit, and body were prepared to receive that message he'd sought.

You see, God is faithful to provide answers to our questions, to draw near when we seek him, to grant us strength when we are weak, and to give us the resolve to persevere when opposition strikes. All we need to do is persist in prayer and recognize that the forces that exist to oppose us are never greater than the God we serve. We need to recognize that God is willing to send us an answer to our prayers the moment we ask. We must not allow ourselves to grow tired and give up just as we are about to receive the answer, no matter what we face. And if we do feel exhausted, all we need to do is ask for strength and we will receive it in order to push forward and view all that God has to offer us when we are brave and faithful in our search for Him.

Over the past few days, I have met with some opposition. With only one week left, I have sought the spiritual backing of my church family in order to be able to accomplish that which God has placed in my heart. I am not certain if it will get much better over the next few days since it seems that I have some unresolved matters as a consequence of this opposition. This time I am ready. I did not recognize it the last time and gave up fourteen days in. On the 15th day of my soul searching, I am praying that I can remain strong and see God's answer for my life and my family. I won't give up and I know that God is faithful to see me through.

If you are searching today, don't give up. Keep looking and praying. Persist in achieving your personal and spiritual goals so that you can live in the fullness of the life that you deserve. As the ladies of my church would say these days, stand firm and defend your spark! Trust me, if we can manage to get to that point where we've overcome that opposition, then we will reap great rewards and a deeper relationship with God. Keep your eyes on Christ and I'll meet you in my prayers tonight.

Hugs, T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Verse to reflect on:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Vegan Pizza, Picky Pizza, & Cold Breakfast Pizza, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 17

I've recently encountered artisan pizza shops that offer the most delicious pizza I've ever had Miami. They both use a crisp crust and are generous with the savory toppings. However, I am convinced that what made these pizzas truly enjoyable is the company I shared while enjoying the yummy, edible art.

Last Saturday, I had the chance to share a vegan pizza (pizza minus the cheese) with a good friend. The crust was thick and the sauce was well spiced with just the right amount of garlic and oregano. We talked, giggled, and compared notes on life, love, and the challenges of education. We followed it with a stroll since we all but licked the tray clean! It was the kind of time well spent that we just don't get enough of in this overly busy world. The kind where you just get lost in a conversation and make connections that make you feel tied into the tapestry of the world.

On Thursday, I had a second chance to share another pizza with a very different friend. Yes, we laughed, talked, and giggled a bit as well. To this we added a shake of silliness and a bit more pepper and oregano. I ordered my pizza without cheese, he ordered his just like mine but with some creamy goodness. Yet, the pizzas weren't quite right when we got them, missing a topping or two. The waiter quickly ushered the defective pizzas away and insisted they be made the way we'd ordered. A few minutes later, we were enjoying this thin, crisp crust perfection topped with mountains of veggies, done just right. It was heavenly.

However, what truly made these two pizzas truly perfect was the company. There is just something about sharing a meal with another person that is makes it special. It is as if occupying all of your senses during this interaction makes the experience deeper, personal, and somewhat revealing, more profound. You somehow tie the pleasure of that savory meal with the pleasure of the company and it becomes a part of who you are in that moment. Maybe that is why certain cultures hold and invitation to a meal as an honor, only allowing certain guests to penetrate their circles. But the meal is not over when you push aside your plate.

You get to revisit that pleasure the morning after with the cold pizza for breakfast. Out of the fridge comes the box, memories of the previous evening make you smile. You open it up and think that you cannot wait to reheat it to experience that connection once again. It seems even more delicious as the flavors mingle in your mouth at 36 degrees Fahrenheit. Yet it is the warmest thing you've had for years. Why? What are you really consuming?

You are consuming that joke he told that made you laugh uncontrollably. You are consuming that raw moment when a she allowed you into a private thought or experience. You are consuming the brush of a hand, the hug and kiss on the cheek, and the feeling that you and your company are both worthwhile experiences. It is a spicy, crispy treat, one reserved for special people in my life. As a matter of fact, these days I share it more often since I know that it is an investment in myself.

Therefore, today I pray you have many delicious meals with wonderful people to fill your life as it progresses. I pray your meals are spicy, savory dishes filled with laughter, the 'joie de vivre,' and many heartfelt moments. I pray that you have the health and well-being to enjoy the memories you build with others for many breakfasts to come. I pray you have the strength to overcome your solitude and seek out new bonds with wonderful people who are just waiting to share a pizza with you.

Love and Hugs, T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Voluptuous Vicissitude: Shake it Off!, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 9

I'm highly comfortable in my skin. I love my curves and wear them proudly without apology. Yet there are times I wish others wouldn't look at me like, "I can't wait to see how she keeps up," when I walk into my Zumba class. Invariably, it happens more frequently than I care to mention.

Just this morning, I had the chance to join the 9 a.m. class. I ran a bit late since I fought a battle with my bed sheets and almost lost. However, I made it and joined about ten minutes into the action. There was a woman in front of me who kept turning around, looking and smiling at me with contempt for the first few minutes. I was easily one of the shapeliest girls in the room. Pretty soon the routines started getting harder and faster. I may have lots of it, but I know how to use it, if I do say so myself, and the underlying mass still has some gumption. Soon enough, her smile turned into a painfully sweaty, furrowed brow as she struggled through a salsa routine that I OWNED! Yes, I'm boasting a bit. But there are times when others look down at you and you have to shake it off and remember how awesome you truly are.

Feeling compassion, I slowed a bit and showed her the steps. Yeah, I couldn't gloat too long because I could see she was now feeling bad that she couldn't keep up. Been there.

Just a few years ago, I was even heavier than I am now. A friend from work invited me to her dance class. I was no less than 233 pound, a lot more than today, and could only do the first thirty minutes to begin even though it was a mild, low impact type of activity. What was worse was that, when it was time to partner up, I'd be left alone. And it wasn't because there weren't enough men. There were plenty. Nope. The two or three that were often left over looked around for a partner and right past me as if I were invisible. The instructor would take me gently by the hand and lead me to one of my unwilling partners or dance with me himself. There were times I wanted to cry. I mean, seriously, it was for a minute of a song until we switched to the next partner in the rotation. I was going to learn to shake it off or have to give up on something I loved and knew would do me good.

Imagine what would have happened if I had given up? In the first four months of salsa class I dropped 40 pounds and five dress sizes! I persevered and started walking up to the people I wanted to dance with because they were stronger leads. Ha! Eventually, with a bit of perseverance, I dropped 75 pounds naturally. No surgery. No crazy diets or pills. Just a good, old-fashioned change of routine and better eating habits. My life had been transformed, I was feeling great, my kids were looking at me with pride for what I'd accomplished, and I stopped getting picked last. Yes, it didn't happen overnight. It took several years since I hit some pretty long plateaus from time to time. However, I eventually became good enough to have a series of regular dance partners who became life long friends and an extended salsa family that I love till this day.

Last year was a tough one after my dad became really sick. I put on 40 pounds of which I've managed to drop 12 in total over the last two months. I want to get back to where I was, not for the sake of aesthetics, but health. I don't want end up living in a nursing home like my father. In addition, I want to be able to enjoy my kids for a long time without being a burden to them. So I continue to go to Zumba class and am thinking of heading back to my favorite salsa place soon for some boogie time.

I know that, until I get there, I may have to endure the stuck up looks and smirks of the people who can't see how far I've already come. Hey, I'm still in the green from that spot where I was five years ago, 47 down from where I started. I'll just continue to remind myself until then that I am not alone in this fight for a better me. I will persevere through God's grace and a who'lotta moxie (Yup. Made up another word.). I pray that, whatever your battles and target destinations (I hate the word goal. It sounds like someone is going to kick me into a net.), that you find the resolve to stand in the midst of an unkind world and make it there. After all, their attitude is their problem, not yours. I will say a prayer for you daily so that we can shake it off. Now, I'm off to my second class for the day.

Hugs, T., a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Twisted Lizard Rescue, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 8

Tonight I am going to let a creature I rescued this morning do the talking. When I found it, it had one small appendage stuck in the door to my old classroom. I thought it was dead, but then I blew on it. It twisted attempting to free itself.

I unlocked the door expecting the little guy to sprint for it. It stayed put, tiny legs stuck to the icy metal. I quickly analyzed the best leg to free and lifted it gingerly with one finger. The flesh seemed frozen solid. All at once, the critter untwisted and sprinted down the door and into a crack in the cement floor, disappearing wholly.

How often do you get stuck? Then someone comes by and opens the door so you can get up and go yet you stay in the same spot. You don't even flinch. Then a touch wakes you and breaks the fear of paralysis that's holding you back. You take off running without a thought. Do you better your position then or end up in a deeper rut because you act without thinking. Maybe the rut is your go to because those tight spaces seem familiar, almost like a refuge. Yet, wouldn't it be better to enjoy your new found freedom, to run way out in the open and breathe the fresh air?

Don't jump back into a deeper rut. Don't isolate yourself out of fear. There's nothing there for you and crawling under a boulder will only get you stuck again. Come have a cup of tea or coffee with me instead. Together we can plan a trip to Paris (okay, maybe Hialeah) and share some great conversation.
Hugs, T., a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

My Cat Eats Ants, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 7

Last night before I went to bed, I saw my cat following something tiny on the tile floor. A minuscule ant had her completely hypnotized as she followed its curved and somewhat erratic path. She toyed with it a bit, swatting it out of its purpose and carefully followed, nose to the ground as if by magnetic force. It was cute up until the point she decided to eat the creature.

I started to think that, in life, sometimes we're the cat and other times, the ant. Those aren't the only choices, but likely the most frequent. We can be in a position of control and power, choosing to toy with and eat our entertainment. However, more often than not, the entertainment is a temporary fix that doesn't even fill us when we're done chewing. On the other hand, we can end up being like that tiny ant, feeling small but full of purpose. We wander through life until smacks us around and swallows us whole. I call this relationship reality.

"Oh! You're so negative!" Yeah... Uh... No, I'm not. I've been there in both positions and so have you. As a cat, I've had that choice, to play with a tiny ant I could just as easily have squashed until its exoskeleton cracked causing it innards to become its outtards (Yup. Made up a word. Language is evolving. Enjoy!). However, I know I've preferred to allow the ant to live even as tempted as I might have been to feel that crunch under my paw.

Similarly, I've been in the position of the ant all too often. Wandering through life looking for a dry place to build my home and some taco shell crumbs to fill my belly. I thought I was fine to be me and just live oblivious to the prowling, hair ball filled menace above. However, I caught a few cats' eyes along the way. Too often the cats played with me and let me go when their fun was over. A couple times, I was swallowed whole without mercy. I mean, really, how often do you find a cat that goes against its nature? Rarely. My cats have been lions at times and just because I've let them live in peace does not mean I'll receive diplomatic immunity.

Either way, whether a cat or an ant, we do have a choice in our decisions and what path we take. As an ant, we can choose a safer route than the middle of the living room floor. As a cat, we can choose to show mercy and pray that, when a larger animal runs into us, that we are paid back for our kindness.

So exactly what does this have to do with solitude? Well, in watching them I thought, "How bored and lonely must this cat be to have nothing better to do than destroy another creature?" Some people do terrible things in the midst of their loneliness. They are miserable and want everyone to be miserable along with them. If they see an opportunity to eat someone else alive, they take it in order to feel empowered and have some sense of accomplishment in their lives. Don't be that person. I guarantee that others will see what you've done and you will end up even more alone. Take the high road. Let it go. Put on your big girl or big boy pants and weather the storm until the sun shines again.

On the other hand, I can't imagine how lost and lonely that poor ant must have felt during its last few moments on my hard, cold, ceramic tile. I suppose its itty-bitty ant life must have flashed before its teensy ant eyes. From the time it was just a little larva to the last piece of advice offered by grandpa ant, "Don't use the highway. It's not safe. Take the side roads so you won't get stepped on by a giant or worse." Did we make the choices that put is in that situation? Scripture tells us that there is wisdom in a multitude of counsel. That is absolutely true! Look at every bad decision that you've made. Weren't there at least several people, friends who cared, family, warning you not to go that route? But you did, and since hindsight is 20/20. You think back to that at your loneliest moments and remember that you really did do it to yourself. And it's not that you need to be boring and stop bungee jumping (is that still a thing?) every weekend. That isn't the point. However, we do need to be sensitive to our 'gut' in certain situations. It is ultimately up to you when you choose to listen.

This is not every case in the world, but it is many. We need to learn to gauge our choices. To listen to that inner voice and not allow ourselves to make hasty decisions that lead to greater loneliness and turmoil in our lives. I am speaking to myself since I know I've made some choices that have put me where I am today. The good news is that, if I continue on my path of positive choices, it will likely yield positive results. Yes, the unexpected happens and ugly, bitter cats still roam the planet. However, if we're wise and a little lucky or simply find God's favor, we can avoid the cat altogether or an eagle will swoop down from the heavens and get that pest off of our backs sooner rather than later. Food for thought. Hugs, T, a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

Left-Over Comfort, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 6

Yesterday's meal was a spectacular hit. Everyone at home wanted more today. To the bean and quinoa dishes I added a mixed green salad seasoned with olive oil and garlic salt. The flavors mingled perfectly and yesterday's left-overs tasted even more delicious today. Maybe it's the fact that the work was already done. Reheat. Toss the salad. Voila! I felt like I deserved a trophy for thinking ahead and making lots extra.

It was warm, spicy, delicious comfort food. I could kick back and enjoy a certain satisfaction in my accomplishment. We all enjoy those moments in life when we can relax and enjoy the fruits of our labor. The perfectly waxed wood, the immaculate kitchen, the bathroom toilet you could eat out of if you weren't squeamish are all lovely things. Yet, these things require maintenance.

Sure the kids and I enjoyed left overs today. I washed the containers and dishes, put away the garlic salt and olive oil, and then contemplated what to do with that extra hour. I could waste it away in front of the television watching something that wouldn't bring much of anything to my life or I could do something else around the house and make myself even prouder of my accomplishments. Remembering the number of things that needed to get done, I put a load in the wash and started up another pot of spicy beans, pintos this time.

Proverbs 13:4 reminds us, "The lazy have strong desires but receive nothing; the appetite of the diligent is satisfied." I have some decent energy today. Though I have earned some rest, I'd rather reserve that for another time when I know I won't be so busy. It doesn't seem to make sense, huh? Well, I know that I'm going to be really busy tomorrow. If I want to eat well, and I do, I need to put my hands to work tonight even when I'd rather sit and do nothing at all. In that manner, I can also dedicate time to the things I enjoy this coming weekend.

The same is true of so many other areas of our lives. I have always been a chronic procrastinator. Forcing myself to break those habits has caused internal battles that are reminiscent of the angel and devil sitting on opposite shoulders arguing with each other until I decided to zap one out of existence. While I know that what I am taking care of tonight may require more than that extra hour, my appetite for spending time with friends, creating art, writing, and other more esoteric pursuits will then be satisfied later on this weekend. Working today will provide for left-over comfort tomorrow.

Yes, it seems contradictory. But part of overcoming solitude is learning to use the time I have wisely. It may not seem like I have enough to accomplish much tonight. But by breaking the work into chunks, I leave larger portions of time for the things in life that truly matter. It is a dichotomy that we cannot escape. Make your bed, lay in it. Wash your body, get dirty again. Eat a satisfying morsel, purge your system of the waste. We do the necessary to enjoy our lives and grow in healthy satisfaction of our accomplishments.

Therefore, tonight I'll leave you with one of my favorite scriptures. It has been used in songs, quoted and misquoted. You may not agree with it in it's entirety, but it speaks of the opposites that exist as realities in our lives, though not always positive. I pray the postive stands out in your life and that your time to live is abundant this year. Peace!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-13English Standard Version (ESV)

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

The God-Given Task

9 What gain has the worker from his toil? 10 I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; 13 also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.

Vegan Refried Choices, The Solitude Chronicles: Day 5

Ultra strong or ultra soft; Soy, two per cent, or whole milk; The middle stall or the end stall; We make so many choices daily that it would be hard to keep track of them all. Just today I had to decide whether to stick to my healthy cereal or delve into an ultra-sweetened version of let's play a healthy food. Just ignore the part that says, 'frosted mini cereal sticks with extra honey maple glaze.' It's got all kinds of extra spray-on vitamins and minerals! I skipped the sweet, extra long sigh...

Even though this is the fifth day of my blog it is actually the first twenty-four hours of my soul searching, cleansing, let's connect to God thing that I've decided to commit to for the next twenty-one days. I didn't do it due to peer pressure or because it's a craze of some sort. It was easy to make this particular decision: One designed to bring me closer to spiritual intimacy with God and help me get more in tune with His voice in my life. After all, haven't I been complaining that I'm alone all the time (and I've clearly established that I'm not)? Don't I want to have more inner peace in my life in the middle of all my life-changes-parental-aging-phew-my-kids-are-almost-outta-here transitions in this crazy journey we call life?

The answer is that I absolutely do. I'm making choices in my life to improve my situation. I'm making choices in my life that will bring positive change. I'm making choices in my life that improve my physical and mental well-being. I'm making choices in my life that will attract wonderful people, favorable outcomes, and a long, healthy life that I am not only going to enjoy, but be able to impart with my children as they grow and evolve.

So today I challenge anyone willing to read this post to join me in making good choices. Here are some ideas for you:

1) Eliminate toxic friendships. The ones that suck the life force from the pit of your soul. Pray for those people. Love those people. From time to time help those people if need be and it will not cost you a compromise of your personal values. But for the most part, DO IT FROM FAAAAAR AWAY!

2) Eat better: Give up refined sugar, pick the veggie side instead of the fries, go without the mayonnaise. Remember, YOUR KIDS ARE WATCHING and they will imitate your habits, possibly for life. Don't have kids? Then you'll just have to enjoy feeling better all by yourself and the compliments from friends and colleagues when you start looking better as well.

3) Add a little exercise: It should not kill you unless you've got a major medical issue. Then consult your doctor, please. Start with just a few minutes. Do arm curls with the cans of veggies in your pantry when you cook (You know you'd like to fight those bat wings into submission). Take the stairs at work. Any change you make that gets you moving will add energy to your life and is a major stress buster. Trust me! I'm speaking from highly personal experience. Plus, when you start liking what you see in the mirror a little more, it makes you feel like a million bucks. No one's talking rail thin, just healthier you.

4) Drink water! Anything else just isn't as detoxifying or regenerating for your body. Sure you can have some tea or coffee. However, water is the basis for all of your bodily processes. We are over two-thirds water and dehydration can bring on headaches, cause water retention when your body goes into camel mode cause you're not getting enough, and increase the toxins in your blood. Don't believe me though. Look it up for yourself.

5) Put down the digital media: Talk to people. Sit across from them at a restaurant and spit food on each other as you giggle uncontrollably. Make faces. Hold hands. Scratch your best friend's head. Now, ask for a foot rub in return! We are all so 'connected' through technology that we are losing the art of interpersonal relationships. Forget your status update for today! Invest your time in real people and the thrill of human contact and personal touch. There is nothing quite like hearing someone's voice, tone and inflection included.

Today, I chose to make some Vegan Refried Choices. I made the choice that will bring the most positive changes to my life in the short and long term. I am sure that the sacrifices may seem hard at times, but in the long run, I'll be all the better for it. Many blessings and positive changes for you!

Deconstructing a Darkroom, The Solitude Chronicles, Day 4

My darkroom had always been a retreat for me in my late teens. Dad built it for me in our utility room when I started college as an art student at seventeen. No matter what time of the day or night, no one would question my presence in that space. Due to the light sensitivity of the items in the room, no one dared open the door while I was working. It was the perfect hideout where I manipulated light to create beautiful images while I shut out outside noise.

Since my dad became sick a year ago, things have been rough. My mom's been alone and I am now faced with one of those adult choices I don't truly want to make: Keep my place and independence or move in with mom so that she doesn't feel quite so lonely. I know what's right. Still, I have been fighting it in my heart and now must make the choice. So yesterday I went there to tackle the clutter in my mom's place and get ready for a move in the near future.

We spent hours sorting through items that have little or no monetary value. They filled what once was my old art studio and the utility room I used as a darkroom all those years ago. Buttons and baubles, clothes, art paper and brushes, dad's old computer shells - at least twenty of them, little figurines that my mom collects ranging from dollar store junk that I wanted to toss to the little cloisonne style boxes I love to touch and open as if a mysterious surprise was waiting for me within. Then we came to the darkroom.

I took my deepest breath and thought about each item in the space. There were chemical bottles dating back to the '60s and '70s. I took a picture and posted it to Facebook. Surely someone would like to make something out of these antiques. I set aside the apothecary jars that I loved to touch as a child. My favorites had glass stoppers and felt cool and slick. I ran my fingers over them and smiled remembering the patience dad had shown when I broke one. Inhale... Exhale... Continue... Then came the enlarger. My dad had printed pictures of my mom and her sister with their smooth skin and hair - magical, suspended in a time and place that has since melted in the fabric of space. He'd printed a picture of me and my uncle on the beach. I remember he stood there calling to me from a few feet away, challenging me to take a few steps into the water. possibly meet him half way. It was chilly and its depths frightened me. Yet I knew that if I could only reach his arms, I'd be safe in the midst of the ocean's mysteries. Later that very enlarger had become my own. The catalyst of freedom in my secret space. It was better than the little one my dad had purchased for me at the photo place and he had it cleaned and re-calibrated for me when he saw I was serious about the craft.

I was forced to make some choices. There were things I'd give away, with enough value to be worthwhile to another artist but not sufficient value to sell for a significant amount. Then there were the things I'd sell to help mom with the costs of replacing her crumbling roof. Her insurance is demanding the replacement and she's caught between a rock and a hard place. Then there would be a set of things to keep, the sentimental stuff that is irreplaceable if lost. Would you expect me to part with it all? I certainly hope not.  I would have to deconstruct that which was built for me by the only person who ever truly had faith and saw value in my art, that sacred space that had been preserved for decades untouched other than to pile garbage into the the perimeter. I could feel my guts twisting into a variety of knots that could be the envy of any scout.

And why should I have to do this? Because I know the sting of loneliness. In my case, the one that's come in lieu of settling for the sake of having company. That's not good enough. I deserve better and will wait as long as needed for that to change. But it's not my solitude that I am concerned with, but my mom's. A mom who may not have understood all about the depth in me but made continual sacrifices in every respect to ensure my health and well being during my formative years. She worked overtime to pay for dance, gymnastics, a modeling portfolio, and thousands in art supplies. How can I ignore her solitude now when my dad is living in a nursing home with little or no chance of recovering his autonomy. She is utterly alone and it has to be painful even if she refuses to admit it to me when I ask how she's doing.

So I will fold my darkroom into a neat little rectangle like the notes I once wrote before the terror of technology invaded our planet. Deliberately folded with a little tab that reads 'Pull Me!' I will put it in my pocket and save it for a day when I feel the need to visit my familiar space. Like my cousin Jorge said, "the point is that he built it for you. That's all you need to remember."

Though I felt like crawling into bed after that and drowning in the warmth of my pillows, I didn't. I showered, dressed my best, slathered my face in make up, and headed out with my kids to learn about a volunteer opportunity at a girls' rock camp this coming summer. There, my son, daughter, and I connected with friends and shared interesting, funny, and sometimes heated conversation over what I must say is the best pizza I've ever savored. I shared some of my dad's pictures with them, my son showed off his artwork, my daughter made her glasses wiggle, and I smiled at the fact that I'd just engaged in a long fought battle with solitude and won. I pray you find the strength to do the same.

The Solitude Chronicles, Day 3: Odd Numbered Kisses

I am lucky to have had two beautiful children to call my own. The oldest, my daughter, is an amazing 19 year old that has a great head on her shoulders. The youngest is my 11 year old son who is intelligent and warm-hearted. I cannot love one over the other. That would be impossible. They are both unique individuals with a wonderful love for me and each other that I honestly would not trade for anything. Then come the odd numbered kisses from even numbered kids.

Well, my son has this funny way of requiring the first and last kiss from me. It can happen at bed time or when dropping something off at their dad’s, but it happens every time I see him. If I’m around and issuing kisses, whether hello or goodbye, he tries to get the first kiss and refuses to allow his sister to have the last kiss. What’s amusing is that I’ve tested it out in the past just to make sure my imagination wasn’t playing tricks on me.

This child could be on the other side of the house, if he hears anything that sounds like a lip smack, he flies through the house to press the last pucker to my cheek. Just recently my daughter and I were commenting on it as we waited for him to come to the door. I asked her to play along and kept giving her a kiss after each of his. As I sped up, he seemed to be pecking at my cheek like a chicken to her feed. He’d immediately lean in and thrust his face toward mine, lips pursed and ready to go! Luckily, my daughter has always been amused by it and just taken it in stride.

I was reflecting on his behavior recently and why he needs this last kiss. It’s so important to him that he won’t let me leave unless he gets it. I concluded that he does it because he wants to be the first thing and the last thing to touch me, first and last in my life. It is a privilege to be so loved. I should be more grateful for this tender act of love. Even though I only have them half of the time, my eyes should rest on the half I’m with them and not the half I’m alone. This is where it’s hardest for me to find balance.

I often think about God in this context, how He wants to be first and last in my life, not social media, not whoever I’m texting, but Him. First and last in my thoughts of the day. I've realized recently that He didn't occupy this space in my life and had to make some adjustments. You know what? Since then I haven’t felt quite so alone.

Also, I've adjusted my life since my separation eight years ago and learned to fill my time with positive, constructive tasks. I can still feel myself missing them on those days they’re not around but it’s not quite as terrible as the times before then when I was lonely even surrounded by people. My house did not seem my home for many reasons I cannot disclose. That type of loneliness is much worse than any time I spend alone now. I suppose it must be akin to the solitude felt in a prison. While surrounded by other people, you long for another type of company, one that does not reject you and show disdain for you only because those people are unhappy with themselves. That’s way more painful.

I love my time with my kids. I have always loved them dearly and found so much joy in them as they offered a smile, a hug, or an odd numbered kiss that has meant the world to me in the most difficult times. I mean, seriously, to fight for that last bit of affection from me always puts things into perspective and sends me off with a smile and full heart.

Today, I choose to remember those moments during the times I forget my fortune. To embrace odd and even numbered kisses and bring them to light any darkness that may try to creep in to my space. I’m not alone. I am loved deeply and cared for passionately by those who matter most. Let’s take some time to reflect on those who truly love and care for us today. Let’s discard what makes us feel lonely and fill our thoughts and time with positive activities, prayerful meditation, and memories that are worth keeping. Dwelling on those things that bring us down or the people who do not value us is just not worth our time. Forget them! If they can’t appreciate us, then it’s their loss.

Let’s be positive, courageous, self-confident, and ready to give back the very thing that we long for: Honest friendship, fellowship, and maybe someday, a significant other. When we reflect the positive and find peace in God and ourselves, then we get that right back a hundred times over. We attract other positive people into our spaces and end up breaking the pattern of solitude in our lives. I know I speak to myself. Hugs and odd numbered kisses.

The Solitude Chronicles, Day 2: Little Things

If you ever get to know me you’ll find that I’m probably too easy to please. It is the smallest, most simple things that can make me truly joyful. A simple smile, a kind word or note, holding the door open for me when I know you are in as much of a rush as I, and, in this modern day, a text saying I’m thinking about you all hold way more weight in my book than the collective financial riches on this planet.

Just today a student approached me out of the blue. If you knew this little first grader, you’d understand that she’s way too serious to be six. She is sweet, respectful, and kind, yet stoic in her semblance to the point it seems she may always take sarcasm at face value and then ask the why of it. Well, today she got out of her seat without permission and came to me with a little smile on her face. I was shocked and thought surely her desk must have caught fire for her to break a classroom rule and get up without permission! I looked at her and said, “Yes?” waiting for an off the wall response. Instead, she said in her sweetest voice, “You’re the most awesome teacher in the world!” and wrapped her arms around my head.

Wow! How did I get to deserve that? I’m really not sure, but I’m overwhelmed by her sincere gesture of affection for a person who she only knows as teacher. For all she knows I could be a horrible wretch the rest of the time. Do I really show that much patience and care? For some reason she found a grace in me that I had somewhat forgotten.

That was at 8:23 in the morning and I am still smiling. Coming from this gentle, caring soul who was so cautious in her assessment of life and her environment, I took it as the highest honor anyone could bestow on my person. In so much as the politics and paperwork of my job can seem frustrating at times, it is that kind word, that assessment and the effort I know that genuine, innocent smile took that make me realize that I am truly blessed. But that wasn't it for today!

On the way back from the library a boy from my class picked a bunch tiny of flowers. I’d noticed that he was up to something and braced myself as he leaped toward me. “Here Ms. D!” he stated proud of his accomplishment and handed me his tiny collection. As I thanked him and said I felt special he said, “You are special… and pretty. They match you.” I melted at that moment and thought to myself that I really am an ungrateful soul! How can I feel alone when I am surrounded by so many who love and appreciate me?

I was complaining to my friend recently about the time we spend together. I was all bent out of shape because he’d replied to texts or gone online for a bit when we were spending time together. He said to me, “I feel like you’re focusing on little things. Tiny details and not appreciating the rest.” He was absolutely right. Instead of focusing on the big picture, the days and evenings we’d spent together enjoying each other’s company, a movie, a meal, much more than I had with any one person in several years, I was focusing on the little things. I was behaving like a spoiled brat that didn’t want to share my new shiny toy.

I didn’t grow up with the tech we have today and have become hypersensitive to it in recent years as well as hyper-addicted to it in equal measure. Yet that’s no excuse to be so negative with someone who has truly added so much to my life. Shouldn’t I understand that it’s hard to peel away from it? Shouldn’t I know that, over all the people he could be spending time with, he’d chosen to give it to me? That he has others he’s trying to keep happy, too? Nah! I chose to complain about the little things. The ones that, in this case, were really unimportant because it was only a few minutes for something that was important to him. I was wrong and, if he’d been any other person, he might have dropped me like a hot potato. Thankfully, he has way more patience than I do.

So as I reflect today and continue my soul searching in order to overcome my self-perceived solitude, I ask God to help me focus on the right little things. To see the blessings He’s placed in my life, large and small, and not focus on minor distractions which cloud a brighter picture. And when there are clouds, to be able to discern the difference between the ones that are harmful and may cause turmoil and those intended to be a little bit of shade on an overly hot, sunny day. If I’m truly honest with myself, I’ll recognize the fact that even the storm clouds have the ability to refresh and renew the earth. To bring new life.

Really, it’s up to me. It’s a matter of perception and attitude. Today I choose to view the positive and see all those people who enrich my life from here on out. To embrace the little blessings and trash the otherwise small, negative ones. I hope I can make this one a permanent change. I know that God has so much more in store for me if I do.

The Solitude Chronicles, Day 1: Reflections and Attitudes

As a child, my greatest fear was living out life alone. I am certainly not in isolation in my life. I have two beautiful children, friends and an amazing church family that value and respect me, parents who would give their lives for me, and colleagues that are stimulating and add depth to my life. As things go, I’m a pretty lucky girl who has been afforded the grand opportunity to spend quality time with spectacular people. So then, why do I feel isolated and want so much more?

The first simple answer to that question is Time. Time is our greatest enemy. We spend about a third asleep, an additional third working and/or going to school, time driving, running errands, cleaning our homes, etc., etc., etc. I’m not certain about other people, but I spend most of this time wishing my time away in lieu of the time I hope to spend with others. “If the school day would only be over.” “When will there be an end to this endless wash cycle?” Then, of the remaining time, I spend about half doing homework with and enjoying my kids, and an additional portion with my parents who are struggling with all matters of aging. There is no doubt that I enjoy spending time with all of these people. However, the time available to see others is so incredibly limited that it feels like no time at all.

If I were to take the number of hours I spend on all of the above and subtract those hours from a total number of hours available every week, I would still have some time to spend in the company of others. However, I usually can’t or don’t. The number of variables is far too great and the opportunities for close encounters of the best kind are rare.

Therefore, I spend most of my down time sucked into a social media circus that only offers a glimpse of what people allow us to experience along with an endless hodgepodge of random quizzes, music posts, and selfies taken at questionable angles. I stare at my ceiling as I lay in bed contemplating the popcorn ceiling or mope around the house in my underwear or pajamas wishing my place had a self-cleaning setting. If only prince charming would ride into my tiny apartment on his white horse and strap me to the bumper while we ride off into the sunset singing “Two Less Lonely People in the World.” But that just isn’t the case.

You see, other people have lives and things to tend to as well along with uncooperative schedules. I may have a dear friend who is dying to see me, but her weekend visitation with her kids is opposite mine which leaves no time for each other or time together with our kids. There are the creative friends that have the most in common with me and, like me, are always biting off more than they can chew, are social butterflies extraordinaire with way too many friends to ever focus on one, have the habits of a modern day hermit or a combination of these. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to spend them with all the people you love and visa-versa. And my college days of lounging with my friend Benny while taking pictures, listening to indie music, and laughing at the absurdities of life are, unfortunately, long gone.

Another problem stems from self-sabotage. Unfortunately, I am way too introspective and spend so much time deep in thought that, at times, I end up feeling lonelier than I should. This leads to longing, feeds fear, and pushes me to make poor choices that augment this cycle of perceived solitude. No worries! I’m not going to down a gallon of rocky road. I’m allergic to nuts.

As an example, there have been a few instances when I’ve turned down an invitation to a social event I would otherwise enjoy. I end up basking in the glory of my oneness and sometimes feel paralyzed in a sense. I decline the outing, then spend my time that day or evening feeling sorry for myself because I’m so utterly alone. Uh, yeah. Duh! I’ve turned away opportunities and created my own solitude.

I am aware that I’ve done this in the past. I’ve done it because spending time in the company of others once seemed to magnify my alone time. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve had to consciously break across the years. Yet even today, I fall into this self-defeating behavior from time to time and have to kick myself out of the funk and back into the “you’d better get over yourself” mindset of survival.

Guess what though? People can smell fear and insecurity and they shun the stench. So persisting in these behaviors and negative attitudes alienate more people because there always seems to be something wrong with you. Either your façade reflects the way you feel or your behavior and body language gives it away. I mean, do you know anyone who likes spending time with a Debbie Downer? I don’t! When I get like this I don’t even want to spend time with myself! It’s a major catch and one that needs to be broken deliberately and methodically through a series of new habits and postures that foster healthy relationships and positive interactions with others.

So here I stand today. I was able to shake the funk for quite some time, to build new bonds with outstanding people. Among these, and yes I’m naming names, are the beautiful people in the sign language ministry at Metro Life Church, their supportive families, and my friend Susan for always having my back. They have brought me into their world and loved me unconditionally during times in my life when so much else seemed to be going wrong that I could only blame a merciful God for their existence in my life. Positive role models of faith and courage, they have become examples of living well in light of challenges and seemingly hopeless situations. I thank God for them and hope I can return the contribution to their lives somehow.

In addition, there is a particular person of quirky habits and off the wall thought who I’ve grown to love and appreciate deeply. Living in a world of grays hasn’t been easy for him. But he hasn’t hesitated to share both his pain and insight with me without a second thought as to what I could possibly do with that information. I see a profound beauty in this misfit child, certainly a man, but the reference itself is worthy of a person who sees the world through the eyes of innocence and reality simultaneously. The embodiment of passion and creativity, he has taken the time to see something in me that very few care to invest their time viewing. And this not for lack of value. Knowing me is worth that and so much more because I can be and am a fiercely faithful, trustworthy, and compassionate friend who can be impossibly positive in the midst of the negative (Most of the time… We all have our moments of weakness). I am always willing to spend time savoring the sweet, giggling in silly, youthful contempt of time and tragedy, and capable of pure, unadulterated love even in this darkened world. My gray friend, I dare say in such a short time, is at this time my best friend and knows enough of me now to leave me exposed to the world or shape me into a beautiful sculpture while I sip his mysterious teas. I am certain he will always opt for the latter which is why I will never give up on him and cherish him so.

Why do I feel alone so often then? Am I being too demanding or is there something more missing from my life? What do I long for still?

I do long for that life partner I have dreamed of since I was a child. Is he “The One?” That is a highly romantic idea, but not a realistic one. There are millions of humans on the face of this rock spinning in singular solitude in the vast expanse of countless galaxies we have only just started to view. No. I am missing a companion, imperfect like me, similar in some ways but different in many, who can complement my solitude with his so we may laugh, live, and love together as we travel across the timeline God has mapped out for us, long or short, but as one. I hope I don’t ask too much. I think I am being realistic in hoping and praying for this man. Yet, he is not a cure for loneliness.

I know I must get back to that place where I lived once. It was a place where I have lived happiest, with myself. I know that when I recover the ability to be happy alone is when I will never ever be alone again. I need to be content with myself, in my oneness, with God in my life in the fullness of His purpose for me, and with the blessings He has given me in order to be truly satisfied. I hope you will pray with me during this time so that I am able to recover the tranquility and satisfaction in my life that I know God wants me to have, alone or otherwise accompanied. I pray you find it along the way, too. 

The Why of It

I've never truly thought anyone was 'normal' in the traditional sense of the word as it might mean to conform to socially acceptable behaviors and thoughts. We are shaped by our DNA, families, friends, and experiences throughout life and may learn to act in a socially acceptable way for the sake of the Joneses. However, since the human psyche exists in delicate balance with these factors, chemical changes in our bodies, diet, the impact of stress, and a number of other random occurrences, I believe we all develop coping mechanisms of one sort or another.

You might cry when someone you love gets hurt. Others, like me, may cackle, giggle, and snort at the most inappropriate times. The latter may get some dirty looks during a funeral, but it is one way we deal with all the stuff that happens. Our minds seem to compensate or adjust for survival in ways we don't understand. Take the gifted child for example.

I've been teaching elementary school age children for a decade now. One of the things I've noticed about the academically gifted child is that they tend to compensate for their intelligence and go to extremes. The ones I love most are the anal expulsive (Yes, I know about Freud and don't care. I like the term and it fits well.) types. They are sheer geniuses for the most part, over-analyze everything, are sharp witted and catch every detail and inflection in every word you say. But please, don't open their backpacks or you will find yourself knocked out by an explosion of random folders, undone homework from two quarters ago, the discarded carcasses of crayons, and a countless number of wrinkled index cards that will never find a particular order. What's wrong with these kids?

Well, the answer is absolutely nothing. This is normal behavior for many gifted students. Why? Because their brains are basically on fast forward, fifth graders reading college level material who cannot be bothered with the trivialities of life. While I'm personally okay with that now, it drove me nuts the first few years, I still have to help these kids find a balance in their lives somehow. It's my job to guide them and shape them and get them ready to face a cruel world that is already judging them by the pizza sauce all over their outsides.

That's why I'm here. I was that kid. Misunderstood by most who never took the time to look deeper than the projectiles rocketing out of my bags and into the teacher's favorite coffee mug that boldly stated, "I Teach, therefore, I am." They refused to see the beauty and wisdom captured there because they were too busy judging the trivial stuff. It had been too much work for them to achieve a socially acceptable level of behavior and they were going to impose the same on me even if I dropped dead as a result. Forget the beautiful artwork, poetry, and endless talent. I had to have every pencil in it's place or was told that I'd fail at life.

Says who? So what of the Poes, Dickensons, and Van Goghs of the world? Should we have shaved them and made them fit neatly into a little box so that we could tie a perfect bow on the package and stack it in the cloister with the others? The difference between us is that you can see my quirks because they're on the outside. Frankly, I tend to over-share, hence all of this. With me, even when they're on the inside, they ooze their way out of the largest orifice on my face before I have a chance to pinch myself hard enough to stop. Anyway, I've been taught and believe that the best way to grow is to share and ask questions.

You and I both know you've been guilty of sitting in class with a question you're afraid to ask. Then, when someone does, the collective sigh and 'ah-ha' in the class erupts and discussion begins. That first question, the first brave soul eager enough to quench her/his thirst for knowledge to risk sounding like a total idiot, is the catalyst for spectacular things. In the same manner I believe we can grow as humans, find peace for the soul, and laugh a little at the fart you let out in yoga class yesterday. Yes, you! Admit it! It happens to all of us sooner or later.

I know that I'm still seeking that balance and growing even in the middle of my middle agelessness. I'm sure others exactly like me exist out there and I am hoping, that by continuing to over-share my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, and experiences that we can somehow find each other and learn to be content with our quirks. Let me know if it helps. And if it doesn't, keep it to yourself, ha! Either way, I send you love and hugs,

~T. a.k.a. Odd Numbered Kisses

P.S. The first topic I will entertain is that of solitude. I am currently in the middle of some soul searching and will be sharing my journals here.